Open letter from my bosses

Date: Monday, March 30, 2009
To: Lee Todd, President, University of Kentucky
From: IBM management, Software Middleware division

Dear Dr. Todd,

We are writing you to ask you and your Athletics Director, Mitch Barnhart, to please move quickly in naming a head coach for the UK basketball team. Normally we do not mettle in affairs of athletics or higher education. As an IT company our business is technology, not basketball.

However, we have noticed a dramatic drop in productivity in one of our employees in sector 7G, cube H164 over the past few days, and we believe that drop corresponds directly with your vacant head coaching position.

After more detailed investigation it appears this employee -- a tall, lanky fellow with bags under his eyes the size of teabags and who shall remain nameless -- has been foregoing his professional responsibilities and instead sits at his laptop hitting the F5 refresh key on message boards, espn.com, and kentucky.com until his fingertips are thick with heavy callouses. As a result, no one else in our software lab in North Carolina has any internet bandwidth because this employee is using it all to see if you have named a coaching replacement.

So please understand our predicament and take our request under advisement. The employee's wife has also contacted us, asking that we send security in to pry him away from computer. And to remind him to pick up some diapers on the way home.

Thank you for your time and best of luck in your search.

Sincerely,
IBM software management team